Monday, March 30, 2015

From the Beginning

In June of 2012 I my first miscarriage.  It had taken about 9 months for us to get pregnant in the first place and we were devastated.  As soon as I was able, we started trying again.  We got pregnant in early November.  For the first 18 weeks I was sick- really sick. I was thankful to be pregnant, but so incredibly miserable at the same time.  We told our families we were pregnant at Christmas, but didn't tell anyone else until that 12 week mark.  It was a rough pregnancy, but in July 2013, we were so excited to welcome our son, Reeve.  As I think any mom can understand, he is my world.  He has brought me more happiness than I ever imagined possible.

I always knew I wanted more than one child.  We decided to try again when Reeve was about a year old.  On Halloween, I took a pregnancy test and got a positive result. We were so excited.  At our first appointment with our midwife we found out that the due date was July 18- one day after Reeve's... oh my!  We could possibly have two under two (even if it was only a day- ha!).  We also saw on the ultrasound that there were two gestational sacs, but only one heartbeat.  Then the nausea hit.  I was sick... all day, every day.  It was even worse that when I was pregnant with Reeve.  I thought maybe my body still thought I was pregnant with twins, so it was on hormone overload.  I was miserable.
I remember calling and practically begging my midwife to give me something.  She did, but it really just took the edge off.  I still couldn't hardly eat and was getting sick a lot.  I remember telling Nate that if something bad happened I didn't want to do this again.

The week after Thanksgiving we were scheduled for another ultrasound to check everything out.  Nate was stuck at work and I had Reeve with me, but I went ahead and did it anyway.  I think I knew what was coming.  Mother's intuition?  When she started the ultrasound I didn't see anything.  Since I had an ultrasound every two weeks with Reeve, I knew sort of what was going on.  There wasn't a heartbeat.  The ultrasound tech didn't really say anything.  I finally told her that I didn't see anything.  She said she didn't either, but she wanted to get the midwife to look at it, too.
When our midwife came in, she said she was so sorry but she didn't think it was a viable pregnancy anymore.  I already knew, but hearing it is always a little bit harder.  She gave me hugs and let me cry for a minute.  She scheduled a follow up in a week just to be sure, but I knew.  I had to call Nate on the way home and let him know.

He was able to leave work and met me at home.  I remember sitting at the kitchen table and crying.  He didn't say a word but hugged me for a long time.  I don't think I'll ever forget the feeling.  I wasn't alone in it.

At our follow up the next week, it was confirmed that I was going to have a miscarriage.  The first time I had a miscarriage, I had a d & c.  It was actually really easy recovery and not bad at all.  I was under anesthesia though and I hate that feeling.  After discussing my options, we decided to go the natural route and let my body take care of it.  So, we waited and waited.  I had bloodwork done every week or two to check my hormone levels.  They were coming down, but it was a slow process.

Nate asked me one night if I really meant it when I said I didn't want to be pregnant again.  (I think I was still sick at this point- the nausea remained for about 3-4 weeks after I found out I was facing a miscarriage).  I told him I was pretty sure I didn't want to, but didn't want to make any decisions until the miscarriage was over.  This was something we talked about several times over the next couple of months.  We discussed our options, but I just didn't feel like I was done being a mom, I just didn't want to be pregnant anymore.  He suggested adoption, but what I knew about it, I just wasn't sold on the idea.  It also seems so expensive and I just don't know how we could that.  One night, he brought up adopting through DCFS.  I didn't know anything about it, but he was telling me what he'd learned. Over time, our thought of adopting through DCFS turned more to foster care.  I loved the idea of foster care with the hopes of being open to adopting if a child is not able to return to birth parents.

The decision had been made.  We were going to contact someone and learn more.

Until I post again... <3

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